HOW SCHOOL BOYS USED TO WRITE LETTERS TO GIRLS, in the 80s

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                                              High School,
                                          P. O. BOX                      
                                       8TH JUNE, 1985
Dear Sweet Jolly,
Time and ability plus double capacity has forced

my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted
sheet of paper. I hope you’re swimming in the
wonderful pool of Mr. Health there. I am also
palambulating in the cool breeze of wellness here.
Sweetie pie, the reason why this miraculous thing
is happening is because, honey, I love you
spontaneously, and as I stand horizontally parallel
to the wall and vertically perpendicular to the
ground now, I only think of you, since you are a
fantastic and fabulous girl put together as
fantabulous. I implore you to decipher this my
anthem of love oozing out from the innermost
pendulum of my thoraxial cavity.
Darling, please stop haranguing with the feelings in
my heart because I love you more than a snake
loves rat.
To me each day I start by dreaming of you. Each
time I see you my metabolism suddenly halts and
my peristalsis goes in reverse gear. My medula
oblangata also ceases functioning.
Crazy, crazy, crazy you may say but this is verily
veritable. If only you knew what is going on in my
encephalon you would prostrate. That’s why I need
to see you vis a vis soon for a better elucidation
through tete a tete. No hyperbole & onomatopoeia,
simple candidness.
Only u and me are protagonists in this subtle
affair. As I cogitate and ruminate over the last
episode, I genuflex before the Omnipotent and
implore him to let this affair emulsify.
By the way, I was bamboozled, scintilated,
exhilarated, and left in a state of prolonged
euphoria by the contents of your missive which
was quite edifying and exhalting. It left my bio-
chemistry in a paradise-like equilibrium.
Empirically speaking, I love u chemically… I don’t
ever want to see gloom and doom looming over
your angelic live portrait. Let my appellation be
scribbled across your heart, with indelible ink. If
any boy tries to ask for your companionship, tell
him that u are leased and caveated.
I think I have to pen off here, because I still
haven’t finished studying electrolysis
polymerization. But before I evaporate, I like to
revitalize your memory with those encapsulating
lyrics which proclaim that catarrh is my butter,
your piss is my mimbo, the world’s greatest lover
is me.
Catch you later. Sleep tight and don’t let those bed
bugs bite you because you are too sweet for them.
Goodbye for now.
Your slave in love, your pillow, your cushion,

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